The sum of little moments

Recently, our friend asked me to contribute a quote for her book called I LOVE Mondays: And other confessions from devoted working moms (Seal Press, Fall 2012). She told me that "the book explores the 11 biggest concerns for working mom and offers both reassurance and specific strategies for dealing with each concern." Over the past several months, I have been preparing a scientific manuscript for publication. I have said more than once that this dissertation baby is a significantly harder birth experience than real childbirth. Really--I have gotten frustrated then full of hope then frustrated again--like, am I really only 4cm dilated after all this pain?? The plan is that I defend in July and start a new job at MIT in August. From where I sit right now, that feels impossible. However, everyone around me says it's going to happen so I'm trying to breathe that in and believe it. Anyway, even though I'm busy, I wanted to contribute to the book--maybe, especially now because I've been missing Isaac more than ever. Now that he's TWO (his birthday was last Wednesday), I feel like he has this new energy and has this spark to him that I find exciting to be around. So when our friend wanted a quote that dealt with how I handle missing major events in my child's life, I thought it over and came up with the realization that I haven't missed a single major milestone, but for some reason her question still made me sad. Here's here request and below that is what I wrote:

Don't know if you remember that I'm writing a book called I LOVE Mondays: And other confessions from devoted working moms (Seal Press, Fall 2012). The book explores the 11 biggest concerns for working mom and offers both reassurance and specific strategies for dealing with each concern. I'm hoping you can provide me with a quote for the book.

One of the big worries for working moms is that they are scarring their children emotionally by missing occasional milestones (whether it's the first step, first laugh or first piano recital) because they are at work at the time. Assuming you've experienced firsthand such travesties, have you figured out anything that works for you and/or makes your feel better when you miss your son's big moment?

The sum of little moments

I went back to lab—doing experiments, writing academic papers and preparing presentations—when my son, Isaac, was barely 9 weeks old. At that time, my husband, Josh, was also a student and by the time my maternity leave finished, the college semester was over and Josh had passed a qualifying exam for his program so he could take the summer off to be with Isaac. Yet, even once the semester started again, Josh had the flexibility in his humanity degree program to stay with our son two days a week. Meanwhile, I found it extremely challenging juggling the nature of biological science (experiments can unexpectedly go long and techniques can fail) with pumping breast-milk twice a day and getting home early to eat family-dinner and put Isaac to bed. Then once bedtime was over, I’d leave the dishes for Josh and drive back to lab to finish jobs abruptly left a few hours earlier. Over the past two years, it is remarkable considering my schedule that I have been there for all the major milestones. I cheered Isaac on as he took his first steps and cried when he smiled his first smile. However, I still feel like I’ve missed out: I didn’t see him chortle when Josh pushed Isaac high on the swing at the playground, I couldn’t help him as he struggled to nap at daycare, I didn’t watch him run through the sand with his cousins on a recent sunny day. I have watched with enthusiasm the cell-phone videos and pictures taken of these non-milestone moments but I sometimes feel sad seeing the little moments go by without me. So when I feel like too many of these moments are happening, if I’m home, I’ll stop the mental gymnastics and try to really enjoy the mornings and evenings when we’re together and try to stay present with the story I’m reading or bath he’s splashing in and if possible, I will also try to arrange my schedule to spend some extra time together doing our own adventure. But if those moments come up and I’m at work, I try to quickly satisfy my Isaac-craving with a quick look at a family picture or online movie and plan something fun and small I can do once I see my little guy, and then get back to work to maximize my time away from my family.


Here's Michelle's edited version--it's different in tone and more generic, but fine. I approved it:
“I went back to lab—doing experiments, writing academic papers and preparing presentations—when my son, Isaac, was barely 9 weeks old. I sometimes feel sad knowing the little moments my son experiences go by without me. When I feel like too many of these moments are happening, I’ll stop the mental gymnastics and try to really focus on enjoying the mornings and evenings when I’m home--staying present with the story I’m reading him or the bath he’s splashing in. If those sad moments come up while I’m at work, I try to satisfy my Isaac-craving with a quick look at a family picture or online video of him, and then plan something fun and small I can do once I see my little guy.”

Isaac at the Boston Marathon

Pictures taken by labmate Scott Neal

New outfit

New outfit from Gaga and Pepere!

Isaac loves warm weather!

Isaac at the playground!

Counting, sickness and singing

It's been a while since our last post--mainly because there has been so much going on. 2012 started with a bang--several fun visits with friends and family, but Isaac got a little sick at the end of the month.

Isaac's sickness was basically just a bad cough until last Wednesday night. That night, I did normal bedtime, but he never fell asleep. At first I thought he'd eventually get there, but as the restlessness continued,  I got increasingly worried that something was really wrong. He seemed very uncomfortable and wrapped up in a nightmare--neither sleeping nor fully awake. It really scared me when he begged for me to hold him---AS I was holding him. I didn't know what to do, or what was wrong with him. Eventually he roused enough to respond to my, "what's going on Isaac?...Is something wrong with your body?" questions. He said, "Fingers. Pain." What? He continued with, "Toes. Hurt." and "Penis--" as he grabbed at himself though his pjs and diaper. All this got us worried enough to turn on the light to inspect his body. With the light on, I could finally see the horrible rash all over his...fingers, arms, toes, legs and yes, crotch. The poor baby. However, with the pjs off so we could see his skin, he started itching.

Scared, we took his temp. No fever. Go to the ER? Call the doctor? Even though it was 1:30 AM, Josh called our doctor's page number. She kindly gave us some suggestions and offered us an early morning appointment if we could make it.

None of us slept that night because when Isaac was with one of us, he was loud enough to keep the other awake. Eventually, it was morning and we went to the appointment. At first he was diagnosed with Fifth disease, a virus. After a throat culture though, the sickness was changed to Strep. Strep with a rash is scarlet fever--scarlatina.  I didn't know that! So antibiotics were prescribed and taken an hour or so later. Quarantined until the rash was gone, all of our weekend plans were canceled (two birthday parties!). By the end of that day, he was acting a little more normal. By Saturday, he woke up smiling and babbling away. By today (Sunday), he seemed almost completely better. The rash left a few scars because of the scratching on his fingers and wrists. Other than that, he is okay.

We still have six more days of antibiotic. That's a bummer because he already hates it. Initially, he drank it down willingly. He actually used to ask for, "more?!" Now, Josh and I trick him by telling him we want to drink it. Ugh. Six. More. Days. Three. Times. A. Day.

The title of this post, "Counting, sickness and singing" is because even though Isaac has been sick, he continues to grow and develop wonderfully. He can now count to 11 (that is his favorite) as long as we supply either all the odds or all the evens. He identifies his letters and numbers enough to pick up a book called, "Colors" and say, "C--O--L--O--R." I swear. He also sings slightly (ba, da, da) to favorite songs like Justin Roberts's song, "Butterflies." Opinionated as ever, he lets you know if he likes or dislikes the music choices in the car or house.

Just today, Josh and Isaac started singing in the Newton Family Singers--the group I did for a term and the Schuman-Oliviers have been doing all along. I like the group, but need to focus on graduating and don't want to take on another responsibility. Also, our agreement is that I can work-out or do work during that practice time. Anyhow, Isaac apparently LOVED being there. At the end of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," Isaac gleefully shouted, "I did it!" from the top of Josh's shoulders.

Perhaps because he's bright and talkative, he's starting to challenge me and Josh in new ways. For example, at dinner, he'll demand, "snack" and refuse to eat. So in response, Josh and I are erecting more boundaries and setting up rules. Boo! For example, during meal time, he now has to sit at the table. He doesn't have to eat, but he must sit with us. He's not allowed to purposefully throw things (a bad habit he started when he'd get angry). The consequence is one of us takes him to the corner and counts to 20 or 30 (is that why he's counting!?!). We tell him why we're doing a time-out before and after. Afterward, I reassure him that I love him. I'm trying not to have anger in my voice during these moments, but in reality, I usually feel really frustrated with his behavior!

I've ordered Ellyn Satter's book on healthy eating habits for families to give me more suggestions about making mealtime less stressful. Our basic problem is that it's hard--after we both work all day--to come home, make dinner, eat dinner as a family, and eventually do bedtime all within less than two hours. It's particularly hard when one of us comes home late or not at all. Due to the scheduling of two required classes for my degree, I come home late on Wednesdays and Thursdays-- just moments before bedtime. You can imagine how healthy eating habits are hard when Isaac sometimes just wants to play with us or be held during his evenings instead of eat.

As you can see, as Isaac learns and grows, Josh and I continue to learn and grow too. Thankfully, our little guy seems to be pretty patient with our slow learning curve!

Christmas in Barrington

A couple hours ago we returned from our short weekend at my parents' house in Barrington, NH and a stop-over at Nicole's in MA. We had a very relaxing time--lots of lounging around and eating homemade junk food (doughnuts, cookies, pie...yummy!). It was a small Christmas with only my little family and Danielle and Zev's family visiting with my parents. A couple highlights are that Isaac went sledding (initially hated it and then liked it the next day) and Christmas caroling. It was very special for him to spend so much time with his cousins and grandparents--I think he'll be disappointed not seeing them tomorrow morning. Please enjoy the pictures below.

More Isaac Reading